I have a problem with time

November 18, 2015   

I really do. Ever since I joined the self-improvement world, that I have a problem with time. While you’re working, and spending countless hours working and maintaining a rigid schedule, you think about all the other people who are partying, who are having a good time and who, in my mind, are enjoying life better than I am.

In my mind, the days are passing, the routine is the same and the sense of accomplishment may be or may not be there at the end of the day, but there is also the sense of the time that passed without enjoying life.

Some days are passed with countless hours in my desk studying and working on side projects. Some days, I’m in total isolation from the rest of world. Some days, I can see the clock ticking on my computer’s screen and I think about the time that I’m putting in work and I think to myself “Is it worth it? Is this going to lead to some place? Am I actually improving?”.

Sometimes, I need to say no. I must say no. When my friends invite me to grab a coffee, I must say no. This makes me feel really, really terrible. Friends are really important to me. They are there when I need to talk to them and I’m there for them. But I must say no. That college paper must be done. That college project is waiting. That side project that I’ve been procrastinating for the last few weeks is shouting so loud for attention that I cannot just ignore it. And I think about how my friends are enjoying life and I’m not.

I have a problem with time. I really do. I look at other successful people and I think “Man, I will never get to that level”. But I know that those people chose. They chose to use their time to develop their craft. They spent hours and hours and hours sharpening the axe to perfectly cut the tree. I wonder if they have a problem with time. Maybe they have a really powerful driving force telling them “This is worth it. You’re not out there horsing around, you’re spending 10 hours in this desk, but it will be worth it”. I need a voice like this inside my head. Maybe I don’t believe that I will ever achieve my goals and that’s why I have a problem with time.

I want to do so many things. I can’t possibly settle for just one or two things. I want to be great at college, I want to be great at writing, I want to be a great presence for others, I want to read, I want to launch a YouTube channel, I want to be non-mediocre at programming, I want to complete online courses, I want to sleep, I want to complete side-projects. I want to excel at so many things. I want to be great in many areas.

But time. Yep. Time again. It is impossible to be a master at all those things at once, and this bothers me. A day only has 24 hours and 24 hours are not nearly enough to tackle all of this. Deep down I know that successful people have a niche. They said no to non-essential things. They decided to be crap at lots of other stuff that they thought were interesting in order to become a master in a specific thing that their heart was telling them was the right thing. Maybe they didn’t have a problem with time after all. Because only people with problems with time would think like I think and would want to achieve so many things at once like me.

It’s a paradox, really. A one you possibly know, really well. Do you know that feeling you get when you’re watching tv or when you’re playing video games and you think “I could be using my time for something else”? When I’m busy, all I want to do is watch American Horror Story. When I’m watching American Horror Story, I feel bad because I allowed myself to step away from work and to spend time watching tv. Or maybe this is just me and you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about. And if that’s the case, then I REALLY have a problem with time.

Sometimes, it all feels pointless. Sometimes you’re working so hard that when you reach the end of the day, you think “Well, this were 12 hours spent working and you are now 1% closer to your goal”. How on earth is this fair? 12 hours for 1% improvement? And probably you will have to re-do some of that work tomorrow because you need to correct mistakes you did today? This is not a good trade-off, at all. I might as well be out there horsing around and actually enjoy life. I can’t be the only one with this problem.

At this time of writing, I’m 22 years of old and the feeling of not having accomplished anything great with my life haunts my dreams. It feels as though time is running out, fast. Some people are already successful the moment they enter college. The moment they enter college, they have their future pre-determined. They know where they are great and where to spend their time. I wasn’t like this. I entered college and I had no freaking idea what I wanted to do with my time. I spent 4 years following the herd. Go to college, go to class, come home, do homework, repeat. If it weren’t me discovering the self-development field, maybe today I wouldn’t even know that I have a problem with time, and I don’t know what’s scarier.

I just wanted to share this with you. It has been in my mind a lot lately and I just had to write it down. So, now you know. I have a problem with time and when I have the time to figure out how to solve this complex problem, I’ll let you know.

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